Christmas is nigh. And that means one of the following: holiday cheer, friends and family, fireplace cuddling, or frantic gift buying. I’ll be assisting you with the latter. Here is a list of great gift ideas that you might consider for your friends, family, teachers, pets, or enemies. Enjoy.
Coal – Classic. Works for everyone. Nobody’s a good boy/girl this year.
Gourmet Gummy Bears Fish from the 99-Cents Store – I swear, they’re like regular gummy bears, only better. Something about the chew and the realistic artificial flavor make it a wonderful and thoughtful present. Plus, it’s only 99 cents.
Ryan Gosling – This one’s for the ladies. Don’t get it for her if you actually like her, because she’ll never look at you again.
James Bond Spy Pen – The kind that looks like a pen, but is actually a camera. Let your friends live out their super secret agent fantasies. Or be creepy stalkers.
Five Golden Rings – Don’t afraid to be lavish. It is Christmas after all, and we are a nation of spenders. Do it for the economy.
College Acceptance Letter – This is for those of you who feel like trolling your senior friends. They’ll be so happy, until they realize it’s not an actual letter (won’t take long). They’ll understand that what you’re actually saying by giving it to them is that they’re never going anywhere. Hopefully it’ll crush their dreams. After all, what are best friends for, if not inflicting emotional pain?
50+ Facebook Likes – This might be a little hard. You’ll have to get some assistance from other people to get that many likes on one of your friends’ status messages. But they’ll love you for all that self-esteem-boosting virtual goodness.
One of Those Coffee Mugs That Look Like Camera Lenses – This is perfect for the inner hipster. Not only do you have an Instagram to show off your psuedo-artistic tendencies, but now you can profess your love of photography with a camera lens that actually holds coffee! Get this for your friends, and they’ll really appreciate all the attention they get for being “artsy.”
Non-pirated Music – No one buys music anymore. Be the hipster non-conformist. Show people you’re willing to support starving artists by buying your friend a pointless gift they’d probably end up downloading anyway.
iPhone 6 – Forget the newly skinny-fied iPhone 5. Get your friend an iPhone 6 and show off how “down” with the “hip” you are. It’s got new apps, a new design, a new screen. It’s so new, you’ve probably never even heard of it. The new iPhone looks like THIS.
Printer Paper – Do you know how expensive white printer paper is? It’s rather insane. You’re practically hemorrhaging money. Buying this for someone shows you care. (Printer and ink not included.)
Pillow Pet – It’s a pillow! It’s a pet! Get the panda. The panda!
List-based Equestrian Story – You know, one of those articles on the Equestrian that barely qualifies as legitimate content because it’s essentially a random list, but you still read anyway because it’s pointless and fluff-tastic? Yeah, those. Get one. He/she’ll love it.
Written by: Quan Nguyen